Identity Crisis…
Hi, I am so happy you are here!!! Can you believe we are HALF way through 2021? It feels like just yesterday it was Christmas. Life really does go by in the blink of an eye even when the moment you are in feels slow. As I sit here writing this, I have reflected on the last two years of my life. They have been the two most challenging years, and trust me in the moment life did not seem like it was going by fast. You probably have been in the same boat, where you felt hopeless, consumed with darkness, and alone. The good news is there is hope and the light overcomes the darkness. Here is my story, and what the challenges and hard times have taught me, and how I saw the good works of the Lord.
I grew up with always carrying around a sports ball of some type. It was either a basketball or volleyball, and I was never seen without one of those. My amazing dad was a college basketball player which influenced me to love sports from day 1. We would always play one v. one or horse at my house, and he swears I never beat him but we all know that is not true. My first love of a sport was obviously basketball. I craved to practice my shooting, or learn how to dribble with my left hand. Dad and I would spend HOURS outside until I was satisfied with my young self. I started playing on a young church league team, and fell in love with the feeling of competing. I played basketball at school in fourth grade and knew that from there on out this was going to be the sport I played forever. I was determined I was going to play in college and dreamed of playing in the WNBA. In sixth grade I was invited by a good friend to come to a YMCA volleyball practice. I did not think I would enjoy it as much as I did. Basketball now had a competitor on which sport I loved more. I then began to put most of my time in volleyball and fell in love with it. I started playing club volleyball when I was in the sixth grade, and it was one of the highlights of my life. I played volleyball all throughout middle school, and knew that this was what I wanted to focus on. Going into my freshman year of high school, I decided to let go of basketball and pursue volleyball only. Volleyball had become such a passion of mine, and I became so fired up about going to practices and games to get better. The summer going into my junior year of high school was a pivoting point for me within the sport. I made the decision that I had wanted to play volleyball in college. I went to different camps that summer, including Baylor, and ended up feeling like Baylor was the school for me. The next two years of high school turned out to be two of the most amazing years of my life. Through volleyball, both school and club, I met some of the greatest people and developed some amazing relationships. I also had come to the realization of my purpose in the sport, and found the answer as to why I played it. Sure, I played the sport because I loved to compete and loved the physical aspect of it. However, I realized I was developing a larger platform to use my voice and spread truth and light to those who were watching me. I wanted to show others unconditional love, and help them find their passion. I had no idea that when I got college my platform would grow and look far different then I had ever expected.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6
I got to college in the summer of 2019, and was so excited to see what was in store. I had no idea what to expect, and to be honest there was some fear of the unknown that crept up inside of me. I was on my own, had to do grow up things, and was away from my parents. My schedule started to get super busy with volleyball, and I had no time to get homesick.
At the end of the summer I started not feeling well, and became super fatigued. It then followed by my face getting red with fever. The right side of my face then started to droop and had no feeling in it at some points. My symptoms started to worsen where I couldn’t feel my legs at times, I had heart palpitations, and started to retain a bunch of fluid. For the first time in my life, I had been faced with not only physical problems, but my mental health started to decline. During the months I was super sick I fell into a slump and realized I was experiencing depression. After countless doctors appointments with no answers, my symptoms starting to worsen, and 5 months later I was finally diagnosed with Lyme disease and later found out I had rocky mountain fever in my body as well. I had no idea what this disease was. Without going into too much detail (I will provide a link that explains lyme disease in great detail for those who are interested), Lyme disease is a blood infection that affects your body after you have been bitten by a tick. After I was diagnosed, I was put on 28 days of strong antibiotics expecting it to go away after that. Lyme disease can affect everyone differently, some cases are cured right after the antibiotics, and some unfortunately deal with symptoms for a long while after. A year later, I was feeling so much better, and came home for Christmas break (2020) and noticed I was starting to lose my appetite. I then started to feel bad again, and ended up losing about 10 pounds in 3 weeks. I was feeling super fatigued and just sick all the time. I saw several doctors and ran a bunch of tests finding out I had developed some complications within my organs and blood from lyme disease. After I had discussed my complications with the doctor I was told I needed to take a full year off from strenuous activities, start doing treatments, and focus on my physical and mental health. The doctor explained that if i did not step back and take a look at where I was at, things would get way worse. I was in shock and did not expect my career to come to an end like this.
When you’ve done something for basically your entire life, it becomes apart of you. So being told I couldn’t play anymore, I was confused because I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what I was going to do without having volleyball on my every day schedule. I am going to get real, I questioned everything. I was hurt, confused, mad, and just honestly in a dark place. I remembering arguing with God asking WHY! Why did I have to get sick, why did I have to walk away, why did things end up unfolding like this. I am sure if you’re reading this you’ve been in this place as well. But friends, I am here to tell you, that I am in awe of how the Lord pursued me even when I wanted to be so far away from Him, and had become so angry. I went to church one Sunday, and the sermon sounded like it was written for Campbell Bowden. God works in funny ways sometimes. The pastor talked about facing giants. He discussed how it is not a matter of IF we will face giants in life, but how will we react when we do. I was reminded that something you do shouldn’t be who you are. I was reminded of WHOSE I was and where my identity was. I had known it all along I just refused to listen to my heart, because I was in a state of pity. When we go through hardships, it’s so easy to get into a pit and sulk and be angry and ask why. I was in that pit. But the sermon went on to talk about how you have to get up out of that pit and remind yourself of who you are. I focused on three things during that dark time
That I was going to be okay, as long as I just kept moving forward.
God hasn’t left me, and the even better news he never will. Deuteronomy 31:6
Loving others BIG even when I felt I couldn’t and pointing them towards the light. If I was pointing others to the light I was forced to look at it myself.
Friends, when the enemy whispers in your ear lies and tells you you never will get out the pit you have to take everything he stole back. For me he stole my joy and confidence. I decided he wasn’t going to take it from me any longer, I was the daughter of the greater King. There is life after volleyball, there is life after you don’t play a sport. So if you can relate to any of this I want to remind you- YOU will be okay! You will make it, and there is so much more to you than you think. Life gets tough and to be honest life sometimes feels like you can’t go on. But you can, you have to remind yourself your purpose, and that God is right by your side. I don’t know what you believe, and I am not here to tell you what you should believe in. But I am here to remind you that I KNOW you can do it. And whenever you’re in an identity crisis know that God loves you, he hears your cries, he knows your pain, and he sees your tears. Life is so beautiful. There are going to be some dark times, and that’s Ok. But the most important choice you will make is what you will do to stand up and face the giant.
So my advice to you if you’re going through something hard right now is keep MOVING forward and take the focus off yourself. Whenever we are pouring into others it can help pull us out of the darkness.
Let’s keep doin good to those around us, and let’s keep reminding each other of the light. Light overcomes the darkness and we all have the ability to shine.
If you’ve read this far, you’re a real one and I appreciate you!
Keep shinin’
Xoxo
-Campbell
